Of Premonitions and Parodies
by Quack Quack 88
Summary: For those who feel they've heard the same story repeatedly, prepare to read it again. Observe something that has no originality, and admits it! New Chapter Uploaded 114, doesn't pertain to the rest of the story
1. A Remedy for Boring Beginings

Here I go yet again. This is my little parody. I kinda get sick of reading the same stuff over and over again. So here's almost every L/J fic summed up for you.  
  
Things in parenthesis, or however you spell it, these things )(()()()( are my own little comments. stuff surrounded by ~these~ is supposed to be sarcastic.  
  
Disclaimer: I'm making fun of all the plots so you can't really say I own them. And I don't own Harry Potter either.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~ Lily Evans was a very special girl (~NO! she was a dirty little gutter rat that ate the Daily Mail for nourishment~ really why would we be talking about her if she wasn't special?). She always made strange things happen. She was very surprised when and owl gave her a letter one day, telling her that she was a witch and that she was accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy. (This part just kills me. If she was Muggle-born, why do they go off sending her an owl? I would like to think she got her letter by way of the normal postman.)  
  
Just then, a wizard came from out of her fireplace. (~He couldn't just ring the doorbell?~) Her parents were overjoyed with the wizard. (~Oh yes. All people just love it when strange men break into their house by way of the lit fireplace~) The man's name was Albus Dumbledore, (~Yes he's running a school and trying to defect Voldemort, but he still has time to explain the wizarding world to a bunch of Muggles and a Muggle-born.~) and he told Lily she was a witch. Lily was very happy and so were her parents. He offered to take Lily shopping. Lily's parents gave him money and sent he and Lily on their way. (~Oh what a fabulous idea! give your daughter to a strange man along with a big wad of money~)  
  
Lily went and bought all of the school supplies she would need for her first year at Hogwarts. (Does it annoy anyone else how similar some people make Harry's and Lily's shopping trips seem?) She still had some money left over so she bought herself a pure white owl. (How many of these owls can there be? ) Dumbledore had to make a visit to Madam Malkins so he left Lily alone at the ice cream parlor. (~ How many smart people can we take in such a short time? Yes, yes, yes! Leave a poor defenseless Muggle-born alone, when Voldemort could turn up at any time~)  
  
As Lily sat (alone and defenseless I might add), two boys with dark hair and eyes approached her. (Is it me or aren't most 11 year olds afraid of the opposite sex? )  
  
"May we sit here?" asked one. ( this one would have to James-people seem to consider Sirius deficient in manners.)  
  
"Sure," she agreed.  
  
"I'm James and he's Sirius." the first boy introduced.  
  
"I'm Lily Evans."  
  
"Nice to meet you."  
  
"Yes a pleasure." (WOW I've never heard 11 year olds talk so nicely to each other)  
  
The second boy just had to ruin everything. (Oh, silly Sirius!)  
  
"Ice cream makes you fat, you know."  
  
"Are you saying I'm fat?" Lily's eyes got a dangerous glint. (What kind of 11 year old worries about ice cream and fat? And what kind spazes out like this?)  
  
"No that's not what he's saying," James said. "But I say you are."  
  
Sirius tried to keep the peace. "You just don't like her because she didn't fall madly in love with you right away." (Another 11 year old. This one knows about jealousy and love. And who does James think he is?. . . . . . having a fan club and a huge ego at this age?. . . . . I don't even want to know what he'll be like once his hormones kick in.)  
  
Lily stormed out of the shop then. (Now Lily steals stuff- she didn't pay for the ice cream.) She met up with Dumbledore and they went back to her house. (Where else are they going to go?)  
  
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Lily stood in between the platforms nine and ten at Kings Cross Station. She looked at her ticket for the millionth time. It clearly said platform nine and three quarters. Lily couldn't find it anywhere. (How stupid is this. Just because Harry couldn't find it, I guess all Muggle-borns must not know how to reach the platform.) She had to ask a boy who was carrying an owl. He took her with him onto the platform and they parted ways. (This part gets sooooo boring. I hate even writing it)  
  
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A/N skipping the train ride. my fingers are going to fall off from typing all that boring stuff. I'll make a new chapter but for right now I can't. Writing this makes me want to go off and run around for a while.  
  
  
  
REVIEW! 


	2. Train and Boat Rides

A/N: This chapter is going to kill me. kill me. kill me. AHHH I hate these kind of fics. (the ones I'm making fun of, naturally-I don't hate my own work. That'd be like a mother hating her child. Welllllll- since I hate these kinds of chapters so much I'm going to kill two birds with one stone. It's going to be one of those awfully short things that annoy me to no end.  
  
REMEMBER- ()-words in those are stuff I'm saying. If it has ~ around it, its sarcastic.  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine-not even the plots. oh well the idea to make fun of all the boringness is mine. yup I own that.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~  
  
Lily followed the other first years to the shores of a lake. All of them got into a boat. She had rotten luck and got into the same boat as James Potter. James teased her the whole ride up about her red hair. (I don't know anyone who makes fun of red hair.) There were no other boats available so she had no choice but to cross the lake with him. (Wouldn't he want to ride with Remus, Peter and Sirius?) They started talking and their conversation soon turned into a heated argument. James eventually got so mad that he pushed Lily into the lake. Unfortunately, for James, Lily pulled him into the cold lake with her. (Now, I'm sorry but I could never fall in love with, or marry, somebody who ruins one of the most important days in my young life. I see the whole lake thing a lot--too much, if truth be told.)  
  
Lily was still fuming about being pushed into the lake, (who wouldn't be?) when they arrived at a massive door. A very stern-looking witch opened the door. She took them all into a huge entrance hall, in which she told them about the four houses and what kind of wizards and witches each produced. Lily fell in line behind a very tall girl with mousy, brown hair. She was then rudely poked from behind. She looked behind her and saw none other than-  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~ A/N: Some people call that a chapter. If you've read any of my other fics you'll see that my chapters are at least five fold longer. The clif hanger is another thing I had to poke fun at. Some people think that this sort of thing is really suspenseful. Pitiful, if you ask me. Review and tell me some things that bug you about L/J fics. I would be glad to use them. Don't worry, I'm not running out of idea. Far from it- I just get lazy so I don't say everything.  
  
That's it for today.  
  
Review and make me Happy! 


	3. Fighting and Feasting

A/N: I know I had you all on the edge of your seats just now, but you can finally breathe now. Now we can find out who rudely poked Lily. Well, I know but now I'm being generous and telling you!  
  
**Remember**  
  
()= author's notes  
  
~~~= my little sarcastic comments  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Not even the plots. I'm making fun of all of them. Even mine I bet. Eh. Who cares?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Of Premonitions and Parodies  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter Three:  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
It was Snape.  
  
"You shouldn't be at Hogwarts, you dirty little Mudblood," stated Snape. (How does he know she's Muggle born? She could just be some person who just moved to England or someone he hasn't met yet.)  
  
"Snape!" spat a familiar voice. "Do you have to pick on the defenseless ones?" It was James. (~Potter vs. Snape over Lily. This hasn't been done before~)  
  
The two got into a huge fight, but stopped when the professor returned. She led them into a big hall. (yada, yada, yada...no one cares. I can't write this-it's too stupid. I'm going to skip ahead.)  
  
The hat started to call out names. (First off, some professor calls out the name, not the hat.)  
  
"Awas."  
  
"Black"  
  
"Caubs."  
  
"Devany."  
  
"Evans" (~In such a small school like Hogwarts, there are always twenty-six children. Each of their last names begin with a different letter of the alphabet.~)  
  
Lily walked up to the hat and placed it over her head. Then she heard a soft voice.  
  
"Ahh I see. Such bravery in your future. Only one place for you, my dear...GRYFINNDOR!" (Some magical little hat can no way know the future.)  
  
Lily sat down next to a man with fiery red hair. (Who could this be??)  
  
"Hello, I'm Authur Weasley," he greeted.  
  
"Lily Evans," she said. (Are you ready for some ranting? Well here some comes so deal: I have a very strong theory that the Weasleys weren't at Hogwarts during Lily and James's time. First, Bill and Charlie are about ten years older than Harry, I'm guessing. This means that those two are going to have to start having kids very, very, very soon. Just think about it. Oh and there's this whole Ogg thing... Hagrid must have been gamekeeper for Lily and James, and I get the feeling that he was quite experienced at it by then. This doesn't make too much sense, but I haven't eaten in like two weeks so bare with me.)  
  
Lily had a very enjoyable meal, besides the fact that James flung potatoes at her. (Why is it always potatoes?) Sirius then yelled "Food Fight" and the whole school got into it. (~School's just love food fights. Why, they happen all the time, especially on one of the most important nights of the year~)  
  
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Sorry all. I'm just not motivated to write this part. I HATE FIRST YEAR FICS!!!!!!!! I know some of them are good, but the ones that aren't, well, they make me want to throw my computer out the window! Eh, I'll live. Well I waited so long to post this basically because I thought that I already posted it. Well that was stupid, but it can't be helped. This chapter wasn't very funny, I know. I'm still a little ill and my muses, my wit, my intellect have all deserted me. Oh well. 


	4. A Perfect World

A/N: As I've said millions of times, I hate first year fics. So I'm skipping ahead. Now I guess I'm making it third year, and because I'm doing a parody, this is the only indication of the transition. Third year is pretty bad too. So here I go.  
  
()()()()=Side comments  
  
~ ~ ~ ~= my wonderful little sarcastic remarks.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~ Of Parodies and Premonitions ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~  
  
Lily was sitting at the Gryfinndor table, surrounded by her two best friends. (This bothers me. Lily always has two best friends; one of them likes Sirius and the other likes Remus. Friendships don't normally work that way people!) Amy was on her left and had long, flowing blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes! (What her seating position and her hair and eyes has to do with each other, I have no idea. As for the exclamation point, you ain't seen nothing yet. Oh no, I just said ain't. What is the fic coming to?) Katie was on her right and she had smooth black hair and dazzling blue eyes. (~This is how every friendship is: one has red hair, one has black and one has blonde~)  
  
Just then, the Marauders walked in and sat across from Lily and her friends. (Ok just a little something I need to say. I got the feeling that the Marauders were almost like a secret society. You know, they only use their nicknames when they are alone. It's kind of a giveaway that they are illegal animagi when they call each other Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. Why can't we all just call them James and his friends or something of that nature?)  
  
"Hey, Lil," Sirius greeted. (What's with the nickname "Lil?")  
  
"Hello!"  
  
"Yo, Moony! Pass the Fruit Loops!" ordered James. ( Ahhh!! British people in the 1970s really didn't use the word "Yo"!!!!! Fruit Loops weren't invented. I know some people might offer the excuse that they're magical and they can have whatever they want, but the world doesn't work that way.)  
  
"C-c-can I h-h-have them after you, J-J-James?" asked Peter. Nobody really liked Peter. He was awful at every subject, he wasn't as good- looking as the rest, he was short and chubby, his light brown hair was too thin and he was always asking stupid questions. (~Since he grows up to do such an awful thing, that must mean that he was always evil. I'm sure he had been planning to betray his friends to Voldemort ever since he was thirteen.~)  
  
Lily shot him an angry glare. She had always hated Peter, and she wished that he had been sorted into Slytherin where he belonged. (I can just imagine the conversation a few years later: James: "Sirius, will you be our secret-keeper?" Sirius: "I've got a better idea! Why don't we use Peter? Voldemort will never suspect." James: "Peter? The same Peter we hated all though school and who followed us everywhere?" Sirius: "Yes that's him!" James: "Okay, I'll go tell Lily." Lily: "What a spiffing idea! Sure I hated him, but I don't mind placing our lives and the life of our son in his hands!")  
  
Lily was about to insult Peter, but then Dumbledore stood up.  
  
"I have an announcement to make. This year we will be having a series of balls. (~Oh yes, we all know how often Hogwarts has balls.~) One will take place each month starting next month." He sat down and the entire hall started to buzz with excitement.  
  
Amy was the first one of the three girls to speak. "I am like so totally excited about this dance! Who do you think y'all will go with?" Her blue eyes were alive with excitement!  
  
"Certainly not Potter," Lily muttered. (Okay I perceive using last names as more of a guy thing to do. No matter how much a guy hates a girl, He'll most likely call her by her first name. The same goes for the girl.)  
  
"Oh, come off it, Lils," quipped Amy. (Why is it that Lily and James' friends always know that they are madly in love? ~Oh silly me, all thirteen year olds are always this mature about love. Lily and James must be freaks~ That nickname "Lils" bugs me too. I mean Lily is already a very short name so why does everyone feel the need to shorten it? Some people refuse to be called anything but their full name.)  
  
"I do not!" Lily protested. "I'll sooner jump in the lake with nothing but my knickers on!" (~Hmmm I wonder what will happen in later chapters~ No one says these types of things. They'll go "I'd rather eat dung" or something along those lines, but no one remembers what they said, or even makes them go through with it.)  
  
Meanwhile James and his friends were having a similar conversation.  
  
"Dude, what kind of prank should we pull on Evans tonight?" asked Sirius in his hyperactive-dog way.(~Since Sirius's name sounds like serious, [pauses a moment and convulses with laughter] that must mean that he really is as far away from serious as can possible be. Oh, Sirius, you prankster you.~)  
  
"Oh I have the perfect thing for her. I've been planning it since first year." Remus and Peter looked up at James, who, of course, stands up proud and strong whenever he speaks, as if he were a god, enraptured with their friend, as Sirius looked-on in a best friend/brotherly way. "I'm going to dye her hair.(wait for it).PUCE!!!!!"  
  
Sirius bounced off the whatever-he-was-sitting-on-that-the-author-did- not-include-because-s/he-is-too-cool-for-that and ran up and hugged James. "Oh Jamsie, that's brilliant, m'boy!" he exclaimed as he hugged his friend with those well-toned arms to his muscular and burly six pack. (~Even though he's a fictional character, it doesn't mean that he still couldn't be my lover one day, duh!~)  
  
"Uh-uh-uh-umm what's p-p-poose?" asked Peter dumbly. (~Everything Peter does is dumb. He is a worthless piece of filth and I will only mention him when I can make fun of him!~)  
  
"You mean puce, you dummy?" mocked Sirius with a half smug-half malicious grin on his face.  
  
"Sirius, be nice." (~James sure is a nice guy. He is so nice. I mean no wonder Peter betrayed only him. I'd betray the one person who was nice to be any day. Forget those who were mean to me.~) James gave Sirius a chastising look and Sirius looked subdued.  
  
"Puce is a deep red to dark grayish purple," said Remus, wisely and really sensuously too for some reason.  
  
Feeling that he'd gathered enough information, Peter left the other boys and went out in search of his master..  
  
  
  
Lily, Amy and Katie were off being wanted by every boy in the school except for James and Co. Since nothing that they do is really that important, It will be included in the following lines because they are so cool!  
  
Katie, being the boldest and most adventurous of the three had just come back from spying on the boys for no real reason except to fix a hole in the plot that the author accidentally made.  
  
"I'm like so totally bummed guys."  
  
"Girls," interrupted like the feminist, who really wasn't but only pretended to be because she read in Witch Weekly that boys like girls who are feminist.  
  
"Okay, girls," Katie corrected. "Well I'm bummed because I really don't see the point of being perfect in all ways of life except for my quirks that make me oh-so-loveable and having perfect friends and supposedly having three perfect male rivals if the male rivals don't have the same conversations as us."  
  
"You're so right," Amy said, blushing (Amy is always blushing for some reason or other) "If we don't talk alike and don't do the same things then that means that one of us is wrong"  
  
"I don't like the way this conversation is going. Therefore, I, Lily, leader of the Maurarderellaz, declare this discussion OVER" said our favorite little redhead in a totally teeny-bopper movie-ish way.  
  
  
  
In some inconsequential location that will remain undisclosed due to lack of creativity to think of a name, Peter was attending to some business. (~Gee, I wonder~)  
  
Wait, since Peter is some stupid rat that no one cares about he won't be included anymore in this chapter.  
  
  
  
Neither will any of the other characters. 


	5. Shopping Spree

A/N: I'm back. The format'll be a little changed to say the least, but anyway. I just had to write something. It was killing me. I'm using notepad since this computer doesn't have MicrosoftWord on it so just forgive all the technical errors. Actually that's what I'll make fun of here. Maybe not. Well, you'll see.  
Of (age-old) Parodies and (long-overdue) Premonitions  
Lilly n her frindz wer walkin dizown hogsmeade, lookin 4 sum dress robez 4 tha big ball!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
"Y didn't dey tell us dat we needed dress robez b4 skoll started?" asked either Amy or Katie, it doesn't matter which one.  
  
"Cuz then we couldn't have a whole chapter on us being like three girls in a mall." Lily said matter-of-factly. She had probably read about it in a book somewhere. She is so smart! Hermione is totally her poser!  
  
"But we're not in a mall"  
  
"Shut up. It was a metaphor."  
  
"We're sorry Lily," the two lesser girls chanted. "You are our leader...we are loyal...we will always depend on you...you are our leader...we are loyal...we will--"  
  
"We're here!"  
  
The girls entered the shop and perused--whoops, big word, I mean, looked through--the racks and racks of dress robes. Oddly enough, they were more dress and less robe. That was mad chill though because this way I can write more about what they're wearing. They were all super-rich and had tons of money and wizard-credit cards so that was cool too.  
  
Katie--I think--squeeled after a few moments. "OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE PERFECT DRESS FOR M--"  
  
"Hey I kinda like that dress," Lily interrupted. Wait, no, I mean she never interupts, she's good and decent and kind...  
  
"FOR YOU, LILY!"  
  
"Thanks, hon. It would have clashed with your nail polish anyway"  
  
"James is going to die when he sees you in that Lily!" Amy gushed.  
  
"Go try it on," Katie oozed.  
  
"OK" Lily shined.  
  
Meanwhile, while Lily was rocking the dressing room and Amy and Katie searched for some clothes that would be equally as pretty, but well obviously not as totally punk rockin' as Lily's because this wasn't their story, the maruaders entered the obviously girly shop because it fits with this story.  
  
"Hello ladies," Sirius greeted in his usual casanova manner.  
  
Amy, obviously the funny/silly/prankster one of the group (no duh!), walked right up to him and did some thing that doesn't really matter because seven mintues later Lily walked out of the dressing room, and of course everyone had to look at her.  
  
She was totally bangin, yo! She had a green dress on to match her eyes (as if she'd wear any other color!) and it went down to her ankles and stuff. It was really cool that the store stocked slutty dresses in the sizes of our three favorite teeny boppers. It went down really low, sorta exposing a lot of clevage which was a miracle, becuase in the last scence she had none, but she looked hot!   
  
James was floored, literally. His distracted mind thought that lying on the ground would be the best way to cover up the bulge in his pants. He didn't want Lily to know he had brought dungbombs into the store with him.  
  
[Due to my lack of a clue on how to work this thing, and just laziness, there won't be any distinction between narration and thought. You'll work it out I bet, and if you don't that's okay too.]  
  
Whoa, Evans has boobies. Damn. Wait--whoops--I messed that up. I mean, fuck-yo Evans has a nice rack!!!!!!! It's okay though. I can still hate her for no reason, but really want her body too. Maybe in a few months, once we turn 14 1/2 we can start indulging in sexual favors then it'll progress into some really flaky and superficial work of fanfiction.  
  
He wished he didn't have the dungbombs in his pocket or else he could run to the dorm and spill his load into the bathtub.  
  
Then those two other girls came out of their dressing rooms on either side of Lily and looked very pretty. They looked like a new line of Barbies or something. It was cool.  
  
"Dude, check out Katie," Sirius nudged Remus.  
  
"Dude, you're supposed to secretly like Amy, but not admit it when we pester you about it. Katie and I are going to share a spiritual bond together once I let her inside my soul."  
  
"Moony, Excuse me if I'm wrong, since Hogwarts doesn't give sex-ed--"  
  
"Yes they do!" sqweeked Peter from behind the rack of plus-sized panty hose.  
  
"SHUT UP YOU STUPID RAT!!!!!!!!! NO ONE LIKES YOU! YOU'RE UNPOPULAR!!!! TAKE THAT!!!" Lily hurtled herself very gracefully and sexilly across the room to deliver a firm kick into the squishy side of Peter.  
  
"Atta girl, Lily!" Sirius boomed, acting like a big puppy/ big brother.  
  
"Thanx SiSi" she said, giving him a hug because she just did things like that.  
  
"Look out, it's fire-bitch on the warpath again," sneered James. They exchanged some random insults. Lily calling James a man-whore included, but in the end Lily won because she had been the one to hurt Peter and that's all that really matters. James wond up storming out of the room, intending to go blow [up] his load [of dungbombs].   
  
This is the part where I make pretty shapes just to take up space.  
*#(!)($)@ *&$)@(#+_!(#)!&$)!I@*$#_!+$)&$*@&$#*(@)(*$@*()*)%i#_)u@(NGDJSAPOI)(*@_(($_+(@)&%(@()*#!^$#&!%#^!%$(*!%)*)(*$+_!(#)(^$*!u#o!+$()(!^(*$u!)*)(&()+_(#)&(*$u!()*$)  
  
KEWL!!!!!!!  
Alright I'm going to stop here for right now. I know it's short, but yeah...I have no disipline. But I'll try to update more often. I feel bad.  
Thanks to Oy Angelina for writing "Snogwarts: A Parody" It reminded me that I even had this. 


	6. Interlude

A/N: I'm going to apologize right now if this offends anyone. It's supposed to be satyrical, but I might have taken it too far. Just because I wrote it doesn't mean I believe it.   
  
This has nothing to with whatever's going on in Of Parodies and Premonitions, by the way.  
  
Lily's life was a wreck. No one else could possibly understand her pain. She was a truly tortured soul, as anyone who looked at her could see.   
  
She always wore black, and smothered her gorgeous, amazing, beautiful, captivating, bright, striking, one-of-a-kind, shining, emerald green eyes with liberal amounts of black eyeliner. She only did that when she was sobbing too intensely to put in her black and hot pink striped contacts. Her second most beautiful feature, apart from her eyes, was her luxurious auburn hair, but that too, she kept secret by dying it black every morning, too keep the depressing hue unfaded. Her porn-star-esque body was disguised with baggy sk8er clothes from Hot Topic, where she purchased overpriced merchandise so that its CEO could finally convince the Gap, Inc. to buy his company out.   
  
The truth was, Lily Evans was beautiful, but she had to strive so desperately to hide that fact to be taken seriously as a sad person, because we all know that pretty people are always happy.  
  
Right now she was slicing her wrists with her hot pink razor blade. She didn't really know why she was doing it, but she had seen a segment on television over the summer on this new fad called "cutting." She hadn't really paid attention to it, but the teenagers they were showcasing looked like they had problems, and Lily was pretty convinced that she was a dIsTuRbEd BiTcH, whatever that meant, so she figured she might as well do it too.   
  
  
  
As it turned out, it was a great way to make her cry in between classes--so much better than that onion she'd be fooling around with before.   
  
Not that she needed any sort of catalyst to make her cry, of course. I mean, her life SUCKED!  
  
Over the past summer, Lily's uber-responsible parents had jetted off to go on some vacation and had invited her to come alone. Lily Evans was not the sort of loser who went on vacations with her parents since she was a punk/goth/raver/mental patient. It's not Lily parents would have made her go or made sensible arrangements for her, so they dumped her with her older sister and her new husband.   
  
Petunia, Lily's sister had made it very well known that she wouldn't let Lily into her house, but Vernon was in one of his characteristic pedofile moods, so he allowed her to live in the cupboard under the stairs for the remainder of the summer holidays. The newlyweds made the tragic witch work like a slave for them, making her do the same tasks that her son would carry out twenty years later. Except Lily unfortunately got raped a few times, which wasn't as bad as it seems since it did wonders for her image.   
  
Somehow Lily made it back to Hogwarts, her favorite place on earth, even though she was either largely ignored for not being like everyone else or taunted mercilessly for being sad. The Marauders were her biggest antagonizes, always cracking jokes at her expense. Lily had been using thier last encounter to destroy any good feelings that chanced upon her mind.   
  
"I hate fucking preppy-ass bitches. I hate fucking preppy-ass bitches. I hate..." Lily had been chanting the same sentence thought her entire trek from the Charms classroom to the Great Hall. Today had been a pretty uneventful day, otherwise she would have been chanting something that mentioned specific names.  
  
Seeing that no one had noticed her angry state, as usual, she gave up the chant and opted to listen to some of her music. She was all about her music, even if her music wasn't all about her. There was nothing like listening to Marilyn Manson be alternative, though she had no clue what he was talking about. Today she was listening to a mix of emotional punk rock. Man, she totally connected with these lyrics. She wished she had an ex-boyfriend to sing about. She started singing aloud, causing a few of her neighboring diners to exit the great hall.  
  
  
  
She was so involved that she didn't notice James Potter and all of his friends take the recently abandoned seats near Lily. James had brought his current flavor of the week along with him and they were making out and stuff. James was trying to push the fact that if he kept going through girlfriends this quickly, he'd have to start dating the first years in a few months, plus he'd probably be carrying a few STDs by then.  
  
  
  
After a few more minutes of shameless expositionism, which none of the teachers bothered to correct, James was getting bored with kissing and his stomach was begging to be filled. He need to find a way to get the girl off of him, and do it nicely enough so that she'd still meet him in an abandoned classroom after curfew. Just then a harsh voice without a trace of melody flowed to his ears.  
  
"I really hate you now,  
  
Bastard, you dumped me,  
  
Now I live in misery,  
  
I want to hack your brains  
  
From your head  
  
You dumped me and now you're dead."  
  
The singer stopped long enough to bare her teeth and hiss at the girl on top of him, which successfully drove the girl back to her house table. James looked up to discover who the voice belonged to. He made a face when he saw it was Lily Evans. He hated girls like her. She made it so obvious that she wasn't interested in boys. He'd think she was a lesbian if it wasn't for the fact that she called every girl "an anorexic bitch" or a "fucking whore." He really wished she would just put out like every girl at Hogwarts. It'd be so much easier for him to stage his little trysts in-house, and she would add to his number of easily-accessible prospects.   
  
"Hey Evans, you're stupid." He smirked, knowing he had her there.   
  
Lily bit her lip. She wouldn't let them see her cry. If she cried, they'd just laugh and her mascara would run, and that only looks cool with her bondage pants. She never wore her school robes since they weren't sad enough. She racked her brain for the best possible come-back. "I know you are, but what I am I?"  
  
"Sad." The four boys said all at once. "Jinx!" they all shouted and a fit of giggles ensued for everyone at the table except for Lily who was already on her way to her dorm, chanting "Potter and his friends will meet and unfortunate end" the entire way.   
  
This memory sent Lily into a fresh reel of tears. How could it not? It was just so sad. Sadly, she couldn't dwell on it any more because she had to go to her next class. She walked down the staircase into the common room where she creepily stared down anyone who dared look at her. Honestly, you'd think these people had never seen a sad person before. Hadn't they picked up any teen magazines lately? It was only the coolest possible thing. She continued walked as she scanned to room for any "nosy fucking bitches" as Lily deemed them. This was a bad idea, since it caused her to run into James Potter. She'd dwell on the woefulness of this situation in her room later.   
  
"Fuck off, Potter," she greeted.  
  
"Gladly, Evans. I'm booked for tonight, but I've got a few minutes now, if you're so inclined." James had used his invisibility cloak this morning to spy on Lily when she was changing, before she'd masked her face in cheap, generic cosmetics. In the time it took for his blood to rush to his nether regions he realized that Lily Evans was one hot bitch. He so wanted to be her smooth pimp. There had to be a market for the whole gothic/punk/raver/mental patient fetish.   
  
Lily shot him a mean look. For lack of a better thing to say, he asked, "Why do you hate me so much Evans?"  
  
"Are you that stupid?" she asked.  
  
"No, I guess I know the answer to that, but why am I on the top of your hit list?"  
  
"I don't have a hit list. That's so seven years ago. Ew," she added as if remembering any past trends left a repulsive taste in her mouth.   
  
"You have some sort of list, though. I saw you writing in it one day during History of Magic. I remember because you were writing it in your blood."  
  
"D'you mean my hataz list?"  
  
"If that's what you call it," he said dismissively. "I'm number one on that, aren't I?"  
  
"No, you're not number one on my hataz list," Lily said.   
  
"Oh really?" James smirked. "Then who is?"  
  
"My brother-in-law, Vernon." James raised his eyebrow. "He raped me a few times and then wouldn't give me any money to buy the new Good Charlotte CD."  
  
James somehow understood what she was talking about even though CDs and Good Charlotte weren't in existence yet, and even if they were he wouldn't have heard of them. "What?!?!" he exclaimed, outraged. "I wanted to be the one to pop your cherry, Evans!"  
  
Lily didn't know what "popping her cherry" meant, but she didn't like the sound of it. After all, weren't cherries happy fruit? She was more of a dried pear kind of girl anyway.   
  
She didn't have time to ask him what he meant though, since he somehow ran off to her house and somehow knew where it was and how to get there. She went the same way he did and in some unspecified amount of time, they were both facing down a very large man. Lily got bored of looking at Vernon after a few seconds, after all, it wasn't like she'd never seen him before, so she went to her cupboard and blasted her stereo and ROCKED OUT!!!!!!!  
  
Though the idea of following Lily within two feet of a bed was sorely tempting, James had to try and salvage the morals of this story. He leaped on Vernon and schooled him. He got bored after hearing the huge man wince from all of his totally harsh, but totally justified smacks. He stopped and propped Vernon on the catch, preparing him to endure some hardcore laceration.   
  
  
  
"HOW DARE YOU RUIN LILY'S CHANCES OF LETTING ME BE HER FIRST?"  
  
Vernon made a face. "Trust me boy, I can't have been the first. A girl like that doesn't go untouched for long."  
  
James gawked at the massive lump of tweed before him. Lily had been putting out for months, and no one told him? He needed to straighten things out with Lily. He stormed into her "room" and shouted over the music to her.   
  
"What have you been on about, Evans? I came all the way to your house when we're supposed to be in Charms and find out that you've lied to me!"  
  
"Wait, James, what are you talking about? I didn't lie. I'm not a preppy-ass bitch."  
  
"You told me he raped you!" he nearly screamed.  
  
"Yeah, he did."  
  
"He said that he wasn't the first one to shag you."  
  
"What are you talking about, he did no such thing." Lily's face meant from flustered to bamboozled, but remembering that bamboozlement is not an emotion experienced by punk/goth/raver/mental patients, changed it to her normal angry scowl.   
  
"You told me he raped you," he repeated slowly.   
  
"I know that, but how do you gather that the two of us," she blushed, "had, you know," she lowered her voice barely above a whisper, "intercourse?" It was a good thing Lily's hair was black or else it would have clashed horribly with her drastically reddened face.   
  
He stared at her blankly for a few moments. He had just pummeled some stranger three times his size for some moronic girl with really bad taste in fashion. He let out an angst-ridden groan.  
  
"Oh no, he didn't rape you, too did he?" James widened his eyes.  
  
"What do you mean 'rape?'" he asked nervously.   
  
A scary-looking smirk popped up on Lily's heavily made-up face. "You know, Potter, for all of your bragging, you're not as smart as you've gotten everyone to think. I thought everyone knew what rape meant."  
  
"So had I..." he trailed off, knotting his eyebrows. "But apparently we have different definitions. What do you think it means?"  
  
"I know," she offered him a patronizing look, "what it means."  
  
"Do tell us, then. I believe I've been horribly misled."  
  
She rolled her eyes. How could he not understand what rape was. Maybe it was because he was a male. "Being raped is the same as being kicked in the head."  
  
James strained his head for the rest of that analogy, but there was nothing else for him to hear. That was her definition.   
  
"Are you being figurative?"  
  
"How daft are you? Rape, as in 'I was raped and my head hurt for days.'" James personally thought that statement could support either definition, but he chose to keep his mouth shut. It was hopeless. "What do you think it means?" She looked at him expectantly.   
  
For once James was at a loss for words. He opened his mouth a few times soundlessly, before finally managing, "You wouldn't happen to have a dictionary here would you?" He walked out into the living room, Lily following closely behind.   
  
"I don't know for sure since I don't really live here, but I reckon there's one over on the shelf." James went over to expect and amazingly found a a two volume set of dictionaries. He opened the substantially dusty volume marked "Mo-Z" and found the disputed word. He handed the book to Lily, who read the entry as a new blush crept up her neck.  
  
"I see," she said, her embarrassment evident. "Well I think it's time we got back before those fucking authority druggies notice we're gone."  
  
"If you're talking about the professors, they won't."  
  
"How the fuck do you know?" Lily was trying to cover up her embarrassment by using curse words, apparently.   
  
"Let's think a minute, shall we? You've been walking around like a suicidal maniac for however long and they haven't even asked if you're alright. I've been sending a number of the female population to Madame Pomfrey with all the symptoms of syphilis. The teachers haven't even thought to give any of us detentions for being out after curfew."  
  
"I'm going to take the dye out of my hair." Lily was fingering her wand and looking in the mirror.  
  
"Why don't you wait until we're back at Hogwarts?" James didn't really want her to though, the faster her hair turned back to auburn the hotter she would be and the more likely they'd be able to shag in her sister's nearly-empty house.   
  
"Fuck, no. Then those fucking preppy ass bitches might fucking annoy me." She muttered the incantation, but due to force of habit, accidently inserted a swear word in the middle. There was a great burst of light and the air became that of a sleazy night club. James was too distracted by the smell of burning hair that filled his nostrils to look at Lily right away, not that he could have gotten a good image of her with all of the smoke in the room.   
  
When he looked up at Lily, he had to blink a few times to be sure his vision was working correctly.  
  
Seeing his shocked face she laughed and said, "Yeah I was getting kind of bored of the whole punk/goth/raver/mental patient thing. This is a nice change, don't you think?"  
  
Finding his voice, James stammered, "Uh, Lily, you, er look like, well, er..."  
  
"Yes?" she asked fluttering her eyelashes and smiling and the young pale man before her.   
  
"A skinhead." He could not get used to the fact that this deeply disturbed girl he went to school with had just eliminated all of the hair from her head. She didn't even have a nicely shaped head; there were a few lumps that were probably the result of Vernon's "raping" and it was deathly pale. He needed to get away from this girl as soon as possible, or risk losing the contents of his stomach.   
  
"I know. Don't you like it?"   
  
A/N: Believe me when I say that that is the most repulsive thing I have ever written. I meant for it to be light and sarcastic, but it turned out just being creepy. Review, if the mood so strikes you. I'm expecting a few flames on this, but oh well.   
  
And about all the mechanical errors....sorry, but I can't use word and the thing I'm on right now doesn't have spellcheck or anything. I just really wanted to post something as soon as I could. I'll go over and fix the mistakes later this week hopefully, but don't really hold me to a date. 


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